Tips to Overcome Shame and Guilt in Recovery

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Addiction recovery is a long journey that requires people to dig deep and look inward at their past actions, emotional states, triggers, and behaviors and work to overcome negative feelings and relationships associated with the addiction. Shame and guilt are common mindsets and emotions associated with addiction, and although these terms are commonly used interchangeably, they are very different.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

Guilt is an acknowledgment of an action or inaction. A person feeling guilty who misses a meeting because of a hangover might think, ‘I feel bad for drinking too much and causing inconvenience to other people.’ You may feel guilty for saying something unkind to someone else while intoxicated. Or perhaps you feel guilty because you promised to do something while under the influence and didn’t follow through. Feelings of guilt arise in connection with a perceived violation of rules or social norms, and therefore, guilt is associated with empathy because we feel bad for our actions. 

While guilt is confined to a single action, thought, or event, shame spreads out to cover the very foundation of who the person is. Rather than being a good person who made a mistake, people with shame believe they are a bad person who is incapable of doing good. Shame can lead to harmful negative self-talk and destructive thinking. Feelings of shame are closely associated with a belief that one’s values are flawed. A person believes there is something wrong with their character and they are not good enough.

Can guilt and shame hinder recovery?

A popular view of guilt and shame is that they have opposing action tendencies: guilt-prone people are more likely to avoid or overcome poor behavior and make amends for past mistakes, whereas people with shame are more likely to continue dysfunctional patterns of behavior, avoiding responsibility for past mistakes and lashing out in defensive behaviors. Because of these opposing views, many addiction researchers believe that feelings of guilt can actually benefit addiction recovery because people strive to do better. For example, feeling guilty about things you’ve done or not done while intoxicated may lead you to apologize to others. Guilt allows healing by allowing ownership and empowerment. Guilt is connected to behaviors, and behaviors can be changed. However, there is another school of thought that guilt can fuel addiction because a person may use drugs or alcohol to cover up feelings of guilt.  

Shame is incorporated with low self-esteem, a sense that “I am not good enough.” Shame, specifically, is known to increase substance use and is linked to other addictive behaviors such as binge eating, sex addiction, and gambling. People with high levels of shame may misuse alcohol and other drugs as a way to escape reality and avoid uncomfortable feelings. Studies show that higher rates of shame are linked to poor recovery outcomes. Shame can shorten periods of abstinence, increase rates of relapse, or even keep people from seeking treatment.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings

Unfortunately, guilt and shame are common emotions to experience during addiction recovery. It is important to recognize this reality, accept these emotions, and understand that it’s okay to feel them. If you feel guilty about guilt and shame, this cycle of negative feelings will never get you anywhere. You must acknowledge, accept, and work to move forward with the understanding that continued guilt and shame will not improve your recovery.

Understand the root of your feelings

Alcohol addiction treatment involves a lot of internal reflection, discovery, and change. It’s crucial to understand the root of your addiction. But it’s also essential to understand the root of your guilty and shameful feelings. Maybe it is past trauma, poor self-esteem, or lack of healthy social connections. Whatever the underlying root is, it is important to seek an understanding of this. When you don’t address feelings of guilt and shame, you’re more at risk of entering into a downward spiral of negative feelings toward yourself, which can prevent you from achieving your recovery goals.

Forgive yourself

It is important to acknowledge past mistakes and feel bad about them, but to move forward in recovery, you need to forgive yourself for those things. Nothing productive will come from dwelling on past errors that cannot be undone. Self-forgiveness is a lot of self-compassion, self-care, and learning to re-write your story and re-define yourself.

Make amends to others when needed

Unfortunately, substance abuse can cause you to hurt people along the way. Whether it is lying, stealing, stealing, abuse, or any other type of disrespect and hurt, part of letting go of shame and guilt is making amends to others. Before making amends, you may want to reach out and see if the person you have wronged is open to you making amends. Your therapist and recovery group can guide you on how to do this in terms of “who” and “how” to make amends. Making amends to others may only help rebuild previous relationships but will leave room for more self-forgiveness and alleviate some of your guilt and shame. 

Reclaim your narrative by looking at the past and the future

Unfortunately, addiction breeds blame and low self-esteem, and as a result, you will feel a lot of negative feelings towards yourself as you work through recovery. Because of this, it may be hard to envision your “future self.” If you cannot imagine and identify with a sober version of yourself, it may not feel like your future. Your future must seem possible, and sometimes repairing family relations or returning to an old job seems impossible. If the envisioned future does not seem open in these ways, it will not motivate or sustain change. 

An alternative approach is to  ‘reclaim’ or ‘rebiographize’ your past, both focusing on and enhancing remembered moments of happiness, particularly as these are linked to positive character traits or successful moments of coping. Maybe a childhood birthday party, a college graduation, or cherished time spent laughing with friends. People are better able to imagine and build a newly emerging positive image of themselves in the future by first projecting that image into their past. Look back on these happy, remembered events as evidence that you have been this person all along. This can empower you to address dysfunctional features such as shame and guilt by drawing on lived experiences and turning these into future envisions of yourself.

Surround yourself with people who support you

To break free from negative feelings that keep you stuck, avoid people who seem determined to make you pay for your misdeeds. These toxic people are intent on imposing guilt on you and won’t let go. Avoid these people and connect with those who are understanding and compassionate and want to help you move forward.