AKUA MIND BODY

Helping You Achieve Lasting Recovery

escaping-the-shame-spiral

Escaping The Shame Spiral

Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Shame Spiral. That is a loaded “feeling” word. I lead a group on Shame Resilience at Akua Mind Body, and as soon as I mention the word “shame,” the group members fall silent and grow tense. I start all my groups by asking, “What do you think Shame means?”

Here are the responses I often get:
“an icky feeling in your stomach that you can’t get rid of”
“a toxic feeling”
“a painful feeling”
“a feeling I have when I hate myself”

Dissociative-identity-disorder

Shame, according to Brene Brown, PHD LMSW, is “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

The definition of shame I use in my groups is the feeling that corresponds with the belief, “I am bad” or “I am a mistake.”

Many people are confused about the differences between “Shame” and “Guilt.” We casually use them interchangeably, but “Guilt” is the feeling that goes with the thought, “I made a mistake,” whereas “Shame” is the feeling that goes with the thought, “I am a mistake.”

It is important to distinguish the differences because you can make a mistake without being a mistake. When you feel like you are a mistake, you don’t feel like you can change your behavior, so you become hopeless.

I believe shame leads to substance use, isolation, anger outbursts, depression, anxiety, psychosis, cutting, suicidal thoughts/suicide attempts, and other maladaptive behaviors.

If you can hold onto the belief “I am a good person” even when you make a mistake, you are able to grow from your mistakes, rather than sink into a shame spiral.

A shame spiral is when an event triggers your shame and you are unable to control or stop your self-loathing.

An example of a shame spiral is, “I can’t believe I just yelled at my wife. I’m such a jerk. God, I can’t believe I just did that,” and maybe at a more unconscious level.

“I am such an awful husband. My wife deserves better than me. I should protect her from me by avoiding her. I should protect myself from everyone because I am a monster.

I will never change, what’s the point of trying? I should just remove myself from everyone” and then comes the maladaptive behavior: substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation/attempts.

To treat shame, you must do the following:

1) Identify your Shame: What do you dislike about yourself? What have you done that you have a hard time forgiving yourself for?

What parts of yourself do you hate? What are you insecure about? Finish this sentence, “I am not _____ enough.”

2) Talk about your Shame: Shame leads you to think that if you share your shame, then you will be judged negatively, so you should probably keep quiet. This thought process keeps you sick.

By sharing your shame with an emotionally safe group of people, you prove to yourself that you don’t need to be silent about your pain any longer and that you are worthy of love and belonging.

3) Develop Self-Compassion: In order to free yourself from shame, you must learn to love the parts of yourself that you hate.

You can learn to love these “dark” parts of yourself by gaining more understanding and insight as to how these parts of you have played a role in protecting you in some way.

24/7 ADMISSION HELPLINE 888-629-6707

 

You might also like

ocd

Exposure to Light May Help Cure OCD

November 29, 2022

Reading Time: < 1 MinutesObsessive-Compulsive Disorder Living a happy and fulfilling life with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a definite possibility. AKUA Mind & Body is here to help! We utilize a blended therapy approach to treat the whole person, taking mental and social factors into consideration, rather than treating just the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Our treatment program provides […]

5-ways-childhood-trauma-affects-adulthood-scaled-1-770x470

5 Ways Childhood Trauma Affects Adulthood

January 28, 2020

Reading Time: 4 MinutesAccording to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 78 percent of children reported more than one traumatic experience before five years of age. Developmental trauma is more common than one may think and can easily lead to problems later on in adulthood. Emotional regulation, consciousness, and memory, distorted perceptions of perpetrators of abuse, difficulties in […]

Building a Support System for Mental Health in the New Year

Building a Support System for Mental Health in the New Year

January 31, 2025

Reading Time: 3 MinutesCommunity Counts: Building a Support System for Mental Health in the New Year. The new year dawns, a fresh canvas filled with possibilities. We dream of a brighter future, setting goals and resolutions. But for those battling mental health challenges, the path ahead can feel shrouded in darkness. Isolation and loneliness can amplify symptoms, making […]

Skip to content